Posted in A Round of Words in 80 Days

A Tricky Kind of Now: #ROW80 R2/ #12WeekYear End of Week 11

Hi there, ROWers and friends!

This week’s goals end with less blue than last – but much more green spread through the middle, which means things have, in the final days of the round, become more balanced.

Today, though…it’s tricky. First Father’s Day without the father of my children. First for them in a single-parent family. And Lise and I are going to her first Pride event at a local park later in the day – another milestone to add this year’s seemingly ever-growing collection. It seems like a good way to spend a part of this day…

What are your plans for today?

What makes you smile (I could use extras, today)?

Share in the comments!

 

Goal Status:

  • Goal Completed.
  • In Progress.
  • Black: Still Waiting.
  • 86’ed
  • Goal Change.

Writing/Plotting:

I write 1,667 words/day (average) on Still Nameless, till complete, for JuNoWriMo.

  • June 10: 2,193. June 11: 2,007; June 12: 0; June 13: 1,331. June 14: 1,172; June 15: 2,246; June 16: 1,671 Balance:- 621.

I write a 100-250 word flash fiction for #thursthreads, using prompt.

I draft my share of the JuNoWriMo Pep Talk Newsletter text by Friday sprint.

  • Received Week 3 pep talk by email; drafted my intro. Week 4 was ready on Saturday: read and simmering.

I participate in Story A Day’s Write On Wednesday (share about last week’s story) and draft retrospective.

  • Read this week’s prompt; simmering.

Revision/Submission:

I revise, set up, test, and schedule my JuNoWriMo newsletters (as possible) by 2am Friday.

I complete spot revisions Story A Day fan fiction pieces and post.

I polish my #thursthreads piece and submit.

I complete beta of Chapter 10; Stained Blood.

Learning:

I complete Pixels to Platform Breadcrumbs Exercise.

I complete Pixels to Platform Mood Board.

I complete Pixels to Platform Play Sheets for Module 2, Video 2.

  • Author Photo Sheet finished; Author Bio Sheet ongoing.

I watch Module 3 Video 1.

I assess M3V1 Play Sheets; assess time needed for completion.

I learn enough about Adaucity to use microphone for at least one reading.

I finish reading all poetry chapbooks loaned to me; simmer.

  • Reading 4/6.

Blogging:

I enact my Summer Blogging Plan; make adjustments as indicated.

I read through JuNoWriMo 2017 files; determine if/what of that content I can use/repurpose.

I create a schedule for creating content based on Pixels to Platform and Blogging Cheat Sheet learning.

  • Simmering as I work through Module 2.

I respond to all pending comments.

  • Responded to all new; started working my way backwards through existing comments.

I revise my About page, based on Pixels to Platform learning.

I add a Welcome page, based on Pixels to Platform learning.

Other Social Media:

I update my fanfiction profile.

I keep up with #AllStarTrek, ROW80, #accountabilitygirls, P2P Facebook group, and general Twitter, Facebook, and email.

I post and browse at least once on Instagram and Pinterest, because I miss them.

  • Browsed a bit on Instagram; posted and browsed on Pinterest.

Family Finances:

I read at least one post at 1500 Days.

I publicize my Fiverr gig at least 3 times this week.

  • 3/3; Facebook timeline, with hashtag; Twitter, with hashtags; in a blog post which I shared and asked to be shared forward.

I publicize my 3 garage sale site items at least 3 times this week (both of these are a bit of marketing practice for me in a low-risk, low-bigscarything kind of way).

  • Item 1: 1/3 and changed price.

I do research/take photos for next three items to prep for sale.

I complete Phase One of the administrative task begun last week.

I complete review of PayPal auto payments and list these in my planner.

I rough out family budget and facilitate our making decisions about questionable expenses.

  • Created a task list for adapting expenses. Put our Y membership on hold, as we weren’t getting there anyway.

Hometending:

I continue my bedroom reset (declutter/tidy; move and organize cabinets; bring in chair; make plan for clothes in closet).

  • Small cabinet moved/rough organization started; decluttering/tidying; reset dresser top.

I do two hometending rounds each in garage and porch.

  • 1/2 for both.

I do 2 rounds in each common room – bathroom, dining, kitchen, and living room.

2/2 complete for all but living room: 1/2.

I do a sinkful of dishes daily (on average), and laundry at least 5 times this week.

  • Laundry 2.5/5; dishes 6/7.

Yardtending:

I move rest of branches to containment.

  • Setting this aside till fall; remaining branches are relatively out of the way.

I weed/clean flowerbeds.

I mow/ facilitate mowing of meadow (I mean, backyard) and mow front/side yards.

  • Encouraged Miah to mow in back; now about 80% demeadowized.

I take decorations off mailbox post.

  • Branches removed/ lights mostly untangled.

I place radio fence flags once range is set.

Lifetending:

I complete my Weekly To-Dos and post to Slack.

I complete both kids’ third quarter homeschool reports and submit.

I choose three recipes for this week.

I make this week’s recipes.

  • Groceries purchased; spaghetti sauce made: 1/3.

I help Lise with Smokey, her puppy.

  • Practical care; advocating for puppy’s needs; nails clipped.

I take Noli to dog park twice.

  • 1/2.

I take a long walk with Noli each day, on average.

  • 6/7.

I test radio fence, and move receiver box to Noli’s spare collar.

I begin training Noli to the radio fence.

I get an average of 5 hours’ sleep each day.

Soultending:

I meditate and journal upon rising each sleep 3 hours or more.

  • Tuesday-Saturday mornings.

I read one inspirational article.

I meditate two middays..

I  meditate and journal before sleep 5 times.

I  light a candle and read from Sleep before bed 5 times.

I  use a sleep meditation at bedtime 5 times.

  • These aren’t working with my wee-hours Twitter spring hosting, so I’m 86ing them till July.

ROW80

The Writing Challenge That Knows You Have A Life!

ROW Along, or Cheer Us On!

We’re On Facebook, Too!

 

Posted in A Round of Words in 80 Days

Now It’s Time for A Change

Hi there, ROWers and friends!

It’s been a busy beginning to the week for me.

I’ve done some writing, but Monday was dedicated to rearranging the furniture in my bedroom/workspace. It had been set up to make it easy for Jim to get in and out when he started needing the walker, then for the hospice folks to come to his bedside when he was no longer able to leave it.

But that was months ago, and the setup wasn’t working for me. So, Miah helped me tear up most of the carpet and get the bed and Command Center moved.

The new setup works far better for me, and I’ll be fine-tuning over the next weeks.

Now, though- my Let’s Get to Know Each Other Better answers:

What characters resonate with me?

  • Vulcans! Yes, it’s true.
  • When I was a girl, it was Pippi Longstocking and John-Boy Walton.

Which characters do I love to hate?

  • Well…none, really. I’m not so good at hating. There are characters I struggle to understand, but none I love to hate.

No one answered these last week – so I’ll leave them here a bit longer. I showed you mine – won’t you show me yours, too?

Writing:

I complete one Star Trek: Enterprise fan fiction story each day, using the Story A Day prompts.

I complete first draft of my 2,500 word limit short story for the Little Bird Writing Contest, using the prompts.

  • 1,115/2,500 words – next up is the Midpoint. I like the way this story is unwinding.

I write a 100-250 word flash fiction for #thursdaythreads, using prompts.

I reread last several chapters of Still Nameless ( a Kifo Island novel), and brainstorm ideas for completion in June.

Revision/Submission:

I simmer “R.I.P. Left Shoe”; revise; share with my accountability group for feedback; polish, and submit.

  • Does not working on it in all of Monday’s reorganizing and Tuesday’s recovery count as simmering? Yes, I do think it does!

I complete spot revisions for each day’s Story A Day fan fiction piece and publish on ff.net.

  • Sunday done; Monday revised, but not posted.

I polish my #thursdaythreads piece and submit.

Blogging:

I decide on a spring/summer blogging schedule using P2P learning and Blogging Cheat Sheet.

  • Reread relevant sections of the Cheat Sheet.

I begin setting up content for this schedule (target to start in June).

I respond to all pending comments.

  • Answered one. #babysteps.

I revise my About page, based on Pixels to Platform learning.

I add a Welcome page, based on P2P learning.

Other Social Media

I update my Patreon page, with apologies to my Patron (sorry, Fallon!)

I share my Patreon page on other social media, because no one can be my patron if they don’t even know I want any!

I keep up with #AllStarTrek, ROW80, #accountabilitygirls. P2P Facebook group, and general Twitter, Facebook, and email.

  • AllStarTrek; email; ROW80, #accountabilitygirls; Twitter; Facebook.

I post and browse at least once on Instagram and Pinterest, because I miss them.

  • Browsed Instagram.

Learning:

I complete Breadcrumbs exercise.

  • I’ve finally completed the Breadcrumb for Reviewer 1/3.

I complete Pixels to Platform Module Two.

I watch Module Three Video One.

I assess M3V1 Play Sheets; assess time needed for completion.

I attend the Story A Day Superstars Live Video Chat on Monday evening.

  • The reorganization of my room ran longer than expected….I missed it.

I download Audacity and play with microphone for at least one song and one reading.

  • Audacity downloaded…it’s a bit confusing at first glance.

Family Finances:

I find a financial blog to follow/read at least one post there.

  • Started 1500 Days; read first post and subscribed.

I post my first gig to Fiverr.

  • I’m starting with my profile – needed to update that a little, anyway.

I post two more items to yard sale site(s); update item 1.

  • New, better images of items 2 and 3.

I choose three more items to prep for sale.

I find titles for Gus and motorcycle.

I complete the two administrative tasks begun last week.

  • Made more progress on the more complex of the two; found something needed for the other.

I complete review of Paypal auto payments and list these in my planner.

I rough out family budget, making decisions about questionable expenses.

Hometending:

I reset my bedroom, with Miah’s assistance (move/rearrange furniture, pull up carpet, reset electronics).

  • The broad strokes are done; the finishing up will take a while longer.

I do two hometending rounds each in garage and porch.

I do 2 rounds in each common room – bathroom, dining, kitchen, and living room.

  • Living room 1 /2 in early progress.

I do a sinkful of dishes daily (on average), and laundry at least 3 times this week.

  • Dishes Sunday and Monday: 2/3; Laundry 2/3.

Yardtending:

I move rest of branches to containment.

I move slate to front yard,

I weed/clean flowerbeds.

I move slate to create new path.

I mow/ facilitate mowing of  meadow (I mean, backyard) as possible.

Lifetending:

I facilitate final plans to bring Lise’s new puppy home (happening soon!)

  • IM sent…haven’t heard back yet.

I begin kids’ third quarter homeschool reports.

I choose three recipes to make this week.

  • 1/3 selected: lemon parmesan chicken pasta) – I already have everything I need to make this one).

I make them.

I take Noli to dog park Tuesday and Friday.

  • Tuesday is our one rainy day this week, will switch to Wednesday.

I take a long walk with Noli each day.

  • Sunday-Tuesday; yes.

I get at least 4 hours of sleep each night.

  • Saturday about 7; Sunday just over 4; Monday over 8 – all that moving furniture was flat-out exhausting!

Soultending:

I meditate and journal each morning.

  • Sunday, Tuesday 3/3.

I read one inspirational article.

  • The financial article filled both slots nicely!

I meditate and journal 4 evenings.

  • Sunday:1/4.

I light a candle and read from Sleep 4 evenings.

  • Saturday, Sunday; 2/3.

I use a sleep meditation 4 nights.

  • Sunday:1/3.

ROW80 –


The Writing Challenge That Knows You Have A Life!

ROW Along, or Cheer Us On!

We’re On Facebook, Too!

Slice of Saturday wording, with my friend and regional NaNoWriMo ML, Shannon.

 

Posted in A Round of Words in 80 Days, A Round of Words in 80 Days 2018, Challenges and Contests, Life Writing, Round Two, slices of life, The 12 Week Year, The 12 Week Year 2018, The 12 Week Year Three, Writers' Resources, writing

I Think I’ve Got It Now! #ROW80 Round 2 /#12WeekYear 3; Midweek 7

Hi there, ROWers and friends!

Yes, you’re seeing this right. It’s Wednesday, and I’m here….on time, even! – to offer up my plan for this week, taken directly from my accountability group, and presented to you with progress accounted for.

Looking at this checklist shows me that I am resisting doing the family financial stuff, and letting other things get in the way of my marketing learning and practice. I have a few ideas why this is happening but will be giving it more attention in the coming weeks and rounds.

In the meantime…

last Wednesday, I asked people what their least favorite books were. The one response I got was the same as my own attitude – I don’t generally read books I don’t like – I set them aside. Most recently, I did that with Dark Mirror, by Juliet Marillier. The two main characters, both children, jumped seven years in age – and became strangers to me. I can’t invest in them twice like that…too much is unknown.

But I do have least favorite children’s books:

  •   Goodnight, Moon by Margaret Wise Brown: I know this is a classic, and many people love it – but the rhythm changes dramatically, and without warning partway through. I feel that this spoils the story, and cheats children out of the beauty of a rhythm that had been established. I just can’t seem to get past it.
  • Love You Forever by Robert Munsch: Although Mr. Munsch is one of my favorite children’s authors, this one gives me the creeps. Love is not about stalking your children into their adulthoods, or always considering them babies even when they’re long since grown! Love is seeing someone as they are, with all their flaws, and being willing to spend time with them and sacrifice for them if need be. This book gives a very strange concept of love, with a mother actually putting a ladder to her grown son’s window and cradling him in her arms while he sleeps…it suggests that kids don’t REALLY grow up, and I don’t think that’s a great message.

But now – let’s get to know each other with -yup – another question or two:

 What characters resonate with you?

Which characters do you love to hate?

I’ll post my answers next Wednesday!

Notes:

  • Wednesday: Weekly Action Plan
  • Sunday: Weekly Wrap-Up.
  • Final Review: after Week 12.

Goal Status:

  • Blue with Overstrike: Completed.
  • Green: In Progress.
  • Black: Still Waiting.
  • Black with Overstrike: 86’ed.
  • Red: Goal Change.

Writing:

I complete one Star Trek: Enterprise fan fiction story each day, using the Story A Day prompts.

I brainstorm, do needed worldbuilding and character work, create a rough outline, and write a first draft of my 2,500 word limit short story for the Little Bird Writing Contest, using the prompts.

  •  I finally got to this! 301 words in first brainstorming session.

Revision:

I complete a final polish of “Storm at Song Glass Cabin” and submit revised version to Exploits in the Adirondacks anthology publishers for professional editing.

  • Downloaded one crit from an accountability partner – thanks, Lauren!!!

I complete spot revisions for each day’s Story A Day fan fiction piece.

  • Sunday’s mammoth piece done; 1/3.

Blogging:

I decide on a spring/summer blogging schedule.

  • Early brainstorming in progress.

I post and adhere to this schedule.

I respond to all pending comments.

I revise my About page, based on Pixels to Platform learning.

I add a Welcome page, based on P2P learning.

Social Media

I update my Patreon page, with apologies to my Patron (sorry, Fallon!)

I share my Patreon page on other social media, because no one can be my patron if they don’t even know I want any!

I keep up with #AllStarTrek, ROW80, #accountabilitygirls. P2P Facebook group, and general Twitter, Facebook, and email.

  •  Some attention to each of these, but skimped on ROW80 (sorry, fellow ROWers!).

I post and browse at least once on Instagram and Pinterest, because I miss them.

Learning:

I complete Pixels to Platform Module Two.

  • Gathered some images, and did some research. #babysteps.

I watch Module Two Video Two.

I assess Video Two Play Sheets/devise schedule for completing them.

I doublecheck time for group call;  am prepared to participate; submit at least one question.

  • Group call time verified; simmering questions.

I watch the DIY-MFA free Stop Dreaming, Start Doing! videos, and participate in the discussion of same.

  • Watched 1/3 currently available.

I finish reading voiceover ebook.

  • Done…simmering and contemplating next steps.

Family Finances:

I read two financial articles.

I investigate Fiverr.

I post three items to yard sale site.

I choose three more items to prep for sale.

I find titles for Gus and motorcycle.

I handle two administrative tasks.

  • I’ve pulled the materials for these and placed them prominently on my desk, where they will stay till completed. #babysteps again.

I add regular auto withdrawals to planner.

I check Paypal for other auto payments and list.

I rough out family budget.

Hometending:

I complete 3 hometending cycles in my room.

  •  2/3 in progress.

I complete one each in garage and porch.

I complete 2 each in common rooms – bathroom, dining, kitchen, and living.

Yardtending:

I move rest of downed branches to containment.

  • Moved one largish branch more closer to containmnent, but not quite INTO containment.

I move slate to front yard.

I weed/clean flowerbeds.

I mow backyard as possible.

Lifetending:

I choose three recipes to make this week.

I make them.

I facilitate Gabrielle visit on Monday.

  • Done – possible weekend plans, as well.

I take Noli to dog park Wednesday and Friday.

I get Noli’s license.

  • Done, and tag on her collar – so she’s all legal!

I take a long walk with Noli each day.

  • Sunday- Tuesday; check.

I get at least 4 hours of sleep each night.

  • A bit short Sunday, but nearly 8 hours on Monday.

Soultending:

I meditate and journal each morning.

  • Sunday -Tuesday, Check..

I read one inspirational article.

  •  Done – one on “taking the waters” from Mindfulness Newsweek Special Issue.

I meditate and journal 4 evenings.

  •  1/4; Monday.

I light a candle and read from Sleep 4 evenings.

1/4; Monday.

Use a sleep meditation each night.

  • 1/7; Monday.

ROW80

The Writing Challenge That Knows You Have A Life!

ROW Along, or Cheer Us On!

We’re On Facebook, Too!

Noli on the go! Photo by Gabby Monlea, age 13.
Posted in #atozchallenge, #atozchalllenge 2017, Blog Hops and Fests, Blogfest Entries, Blogging from A toZ April Challenge, Challenges and Contests, Life Writing, My Poetry, poetry, slices of life, The 12 Week Year Two, Writing Sample

Y is for “You’ll Always Be a Part of Us”: #atozchallenge Day 25

Accept What’s Ahead

Why do some live while others die

Why is that fact so hard to accept

Accept that death is inevitable

Accept that my beloved is no more

More of him is what I want

More time and more love denied

Denied his touch his kiss his embrace

Denied his laughter and his smiles

Smiles that made my heart beat faster

Smiles bestowed with great generosity

Generosity of heart love freely expressed

Generosity of spirit always with a willing hand

Hand holding my hand in sweet intimate caress

Hand him over unwillingly to whatever’s next

Next year and the next and the next lived without him

Next to me still is where I want him yet to be

Be my lover my companion my friend and husband

Be my children’s devoted silly father forever

Forever is a thing that doesn’t exist in the physical plane

Forever alive is a fantasy no one gets to claim

Claim him as my own forever but death took him away

Claim what I can that I was loved long and sweet and well

Well of tears and sorrow born of a love that sustains me

Well past the time of separation on this mortal coil

Coil my heart and soul around all I hold so precious

Coil his love inside me as protection for the future

Future uncertain and gaping wide before me

Future days and years waiting for me to live through

Through the acceptance and the resistance

Through sorrows and joys and laughter and tears

Tears of grief at his life so soon ended

Tears of future joy as my saddened heart recovers

Recovers from this sudden devastating blow

Recovers the beat and pulse of a single life

Life continues on though he is now gone

Life without him, but he’s still here

Here in hearts and souls that love him

Here within his children’s very selves

Selves that would not exist without him

Selves that carry so much of his nature

Nature sees that we have means to continue

Nature ensures something can carry forward

Forward past the length of time he lived

Forward into a future as yet still unknown

Unknown joys and sorrows yet await us

Unknown peace and turbulence ahead

Ahead as behind he’s there in every step

Ahead whether the trail is level or rough

Rough

Step

A few years ago, long before I knew where our story was going it go, I wrote a poem about our love, titled, It Levels Off Up Ahead. The name came from something Jim and I said to each other repeatedly during a rather grueling 3 mile hike to Montana’s Lava Lake.

The thing is – it never did level off then, or, really, since. Even now, as I adjust to the realities of widowhood and raising our children, it hasn’t quite levelled off, because finances will be an issue at least until we know the status of Jim’s life insurance. I know it’s probably fine, as we certainly aren’t trying to defraud anyone, and that the review is simply a formality – but needing those funds makes a huge difference, as there are bills to be paid, two adult-sized and still growing hungry teens to feed, and a house in need of some rather urgent repairs. I haven’t worked outside our home for more than a decade, so that I could be available for homeschooling. Just at the point where I was considering a return to the workforce, Jim launched his business, and my initial small contributions became a full-blown partnership that left me with little time and energy for my writing or looking for another job.

And now, the kids and I need some adjustment time to settle into our new lives. I want to wait until fall, and stay with part-time work, because my ultimate goal is to be able to support our modest lifestyle from home – with writing and writing-related endeavors that make use of my skills and passions.

If the insurance doesn’t happen soon, though, I will have to re-evaluate.

The trail ahead hasn’t leveled off – and yet, I feel strangely secure, even with the concerns I’m dealing with. Why?

Because, in some sense, Jim is still here with me. When he was alive, we were never rich, but we always found a way through the lean times….and more. We managed to find and create joy even in the times when we were struggling to make those frayed and stretched ends meet.

To Jim, now, I say, “You are always a part of us. For the rest of my life, you will be a part of everything I do. Every breath taken by our son and our daughter is, in a way, also your breath. And you love and laughter still sustain me, still provide a delightful anchor through the many, many changes of life after your death. And I will love you always.”

Rejoin us a little later in the day, when we’ll wrap up our #atozchallenge with the Zen of grief.

You don’t want to miss these Y posts!

Posted in #atozchallenge, Blog Hops and Fests, Blogfest Entries, Blogging from A toZ April Challenge, Blogging from A-Z April 2018, Challenges and Contests, Life Writing, My Poetry, Parenting, poetry, slices of life, Writing Sample

Z is for The Zen of Grief: #atozchallenge Day 26

 

Being Within Zen

Zen is more than just a word

Zen is a way of life and being

Being a thing of mind and soul

Being a matter of acceptance

Acceptance that what is is

Acceptance without resistance

Resistance wastes energy I need

Resistance intensifies the inner pain

Pain can crush if I fight against it

Pain part of the process of mortality

Mortality brings permanent separation

Mortality is simply a fact of every life

Life and death are the yin and the yang

Life and death are forever intertwined

Intertwined in an endless circling dance

Intertwined and immutably inseparable

Inseparable as our two souls while we lived

Inseparable and each a part of the whole

Whole of the grief I feel at life’s impermanence

Whole of the pain at the loss of my marriage

Marriage of two human souls bound in one love

Marriage of life and death in perfect harmony

Harmony of corporeal reality

Harmony and flow circle and spiral

Spiral through cycles where we live and we die

Spiral of birth and growth and death

Death is the endpoint of each life

Death is the beginning of what’s next

Next breath next heartbeat next meal

Next level of consciousness or energy

Energy that maybe swirls through the air

Energy that might fuel the universe

Universe contains so much life and death

Universe holds more than we can ever know

Know that death is not truly the end of all things

Know that in some way he is still somewhere

Somewhere within this universe we share

Everywhere within the confines of my soul

Soul now bereft of his physical touch

Soul now with my own ever intertwined

Intertwined in life in ways that remain

Intertwined after his death in ways that sustain

Sustain me as I learn to live in new ways

Sustain through grief’s sharp jagged edges

Edges that are less distinct than they seem

Edges that soften when touched with Zen

Zen makes of death not only a sorrow

Zen blends bloom and decay into grief’s garden

Garden

Sorrow

 

I’ve often described myself as religious rather than spiritual. I’m not fond of doctrines or agendas, proscriptions and rituals that others devised, and I’m intended to follow whole, without question.

I need something more than that.

I need something that requires my active participation, my mindfulness, and my awareness that the life I live is more about my own choices than any external divine.

Zen matches my personality, and my approach to life – and death.

I come again to that Welcome to Night Vale quote:

“Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.”

We were all born, and we will all die. Those are immutable facts – the brackets of a lifetime. But that can’t be the whole of the story, because lives are fueled by energy, and lives touch other lives; changing them, creating memories, adding layers and levels to others’ living.

I am not who I would be if I hadn’t known Jim, and loved him.

If I hadn’t loved him, and agreed to make my life with him, our children would not exist, and all that they’ve brought to me life wouldn’t, either.

I would be a different version of me, living a different version of my life.

Life with Jim wasn’t perfect. He and I were imperfect people living imperfect lives, carrying the scars and wounds of a lifetime into our relationship. There were issues that cropped up again and again, and never truly got resolved in his lifetime.

But that’s not to say that it was a bad life – because it wasn’t.

It was very, very good – often magical. Jim and I didn’t come to each other from a place of need. When we met, we’d both independently decided we’d be happy alone rather than settle for someone who didn’t truly suit us. As a result, we complemented one another very well, and lived our lives together with a general state of harmonic teamwork. We were friends who delighted in one another throughout the two decades of our marriage.

So, while I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of heaven, I know that, as long as I live, as long as the children do, as long as there are people in the world whom Jim’s life touched and changed, he’s still here, in a sense. He lives on in the way he’s affected the world, and the energy he gave in his life.

It’s not the same as having him here, but it allows me to find the Zen of acceptance – most of the time – and to accept the lack of acceptance when I just can’t find it.

And, for me, that’s enough.

Which works out well, since this is the final day of the #atozchallenge. Join me again in May for the wrap-up festivities.

Before you head off for your Zzz’s, check out more zesty Z posts.

 

Brancing out in the last months of his life. Jim as Chef Bluebeard, selling his “flavor enhancement sauces” in July 2017.
Posted in #atozchallenge, April CampNaNoWriMo 2018, Blog Hops and Fests, Blogfest Entries, Blogging from A toZ April Challenge, Challenges and Contests, Life Writing, My Poetry, Parenting, poetry, slices of life, Writing Sample

X is for X’ed Out of Our Future: #atozchallenge Day 24

 

Sign X Away

X marks the spot

X the place to sign

Sign we’re losing him

Sign of a changing future

Future a little darker

Future schism approaches

Approaches with the crazed growth

Approaches with multiplying cells

Cells that mark the spots

Cells that create spots

Spots on his pancreas and liver

Spots on the emergency room screen

Screen the predicts the future dimly

Screen that offered fictional hope

Hope that it was only a fatty liver

Hope it was a minor sign of aging

Aging love growing

Aging love deepening

Deepening understanding of who we are

Deepening ability to communicate

Communicate a love that remains

Coommunicate a love that sustains

Sustains us as we face his illness

Sustains us through devastation

Devastation marked out with an X

Devastation growing near and swift

Swift passage of time flies by

Swift moving cancer ravaging

Ravaging his once-strong body

Ravaging this man I love

Love can’t cure him

Love can be an embrace

Embrace while we have the chance

Embrace what is as best we can

Can this strange nightmare be true

Can we still find pockets of joy

Joy marked out in X’s and O’s

Joy an art form in times like this

This is life wrapped in death

This is death still clothed in life

Life twists and weaves

Life lived at two speeds at once

Once we thought life almost a dream

Once we thought we’d grow old together

Together we face this concrete reality

Together until death came and he slipped away

Away from disease and away from great pain

Away from wife and children and life’s promise

Promise

Pain

It all started to change on August 24, 2017 – although we didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time, and, by then, it was already well in progress in its hidden state.

The what was Stage 4 pancreatic cancer that had made a leap to Jim’s liver. We’ll never know how long it lurked there, unnoticed – but Jim had been feeling less than great more often for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, before that day.

I remember the date so well because it was the day after our twentieth anniversary. We’d gone out to dinner, just the two of us, and eaten rich foods.

The next evening, he told me, rather casually, that his right side had been bothering him all day, but the pain was intensifying, and now he was worried that it might be appendicitis. The pain didn’t go away, and then he had a spell of vomiting and severe chill, and I all but insisted we were going to the emergency room.

That’s where we first heard about the spot.

It came, couched in comforting language, and after the likely diagnosis of a sludgy gall bladder irritated by the rich anniversary meal…”and we found a small spot on your liver. It’s probably fatty liver disease, but you should have it checked out in the next week or so with your primary care physician, to rule out cancer.”

Yup. It was just that casual, the moment that changed our lives.

Jim didn’t check into it with his doctor. Maybe he was already worried it might be true, and didn’t want confirmation. Maybe he thought that, since he had an answer, and he’d struggled with his weight most of his life, so fatty liver made sense. I can’t say, because, when I mentioned it, he basically dismissed it by saying that he hadn’t talked to her yet, but he would.

So it would be mid-November, almost 3 months later, before he received that terminal diagnosis. Would it have been better to have known sooner, to have been able to trace back all his odd health complaints in the intervening weeks to that one deadly source?

It’s hard to say. He was increasingly plagued by belly pain he thought was maybe an ulcer, or the sludgy gall bladder again. He was constipated more often than not. Occasionally, he vomited, but attributed it to the stomach pain. He never said so to me until after he was diagnosed, but he was increasingly exhausted, and his appetite faded.

Looking backward, it seems obvious, but it wasn’t at the time.

We were growing his hot-sauce business – a dream he’d had since before I met him –  and took our first romantic weekend away, to Acadia National Park, which was a dream from early in our marriage.  In truth, we argued rather a lot, but it seemed to clear air that had long been heavy – one of those places in a marriage where we needed to clean house – and things felt better, after that.

He decided to get to the root of not feeling good. He had a colonoscopy, which, to our relief, was negative. But, at the same time, his right leg was swelling painfully, and, eventually, he went to the emergency room, was admitted with deep vein thrombosis that probably would have killed him in days if left untreated, and then the diagnosis of terminal cancer was made – the culprit of all those random, seemingly minor, concerns.

But it was that first X – the spot on the emergency room ultrasound screen, that ultimately X’ed Jim out of the future we’d hoped to share.

Check out our next post, when I say, “You are always a part of us,” to my late husband.

X marks the spot for more extraordinary X posts.

Posted in #atozchallenge, Blog Hops and Fests, Blogfest Entries, Blogfest Entries, Blogging from A toZ April Challenge, Blogging from A-Z April 2018, Challenges and Contests, Life Writing, My Poetry, poetry, slices of life, Writing Sample

W is for When It Ends, It Begins Again: #atozchallenge Day 23

Life Begins Anew

When the last breath comes life changes

When it ends that’s where it begins

Begins to dawn on me that it’s all new

Begins with that alien word widow

Widow the label that ends a marriage

Widow for the rest of my life I’ll be

Be the only parent they still have

Be the one who survived when he died

Died with so many good years still ahead

Died so that last line can’t be the truth

Truth maybe for me but not for him

Truth is I’d rather not do this alone

Alone with the years stretched far ahead

Alone but yet not because he’s still here

In the children who share his eyes and smile

Here in my broken heart and in my wounded soul

Soul still trying to grasp what’s been lost

Soul to soul we were for so long not long enough

Enough love to fill my life to overflowing

Enough time to intertwine on so many levels

Levels of grief that shift like ocean waves

Levels of solitude now mine to explore

Explore the empty bed and things now unsaid

Explore the emotions that ebb and flow

Flow as the tears that move like the tides

Flow into a new way of life and living

Living my way into each new day’s dawning

Living and growing even though it seems strange

Strange to make so many decisions without him

Strange not to have him here chatting and laughing

Laughing our way through twenty years and more

Laughing even when life was tragic and shattering

Shattering us as he held our dying newborn

Shattering me as I held him on his deathbed

Deathbed that had been our marriage bed

Deathbed he made with his very own hands

Hands that will never again build or cook

Hands that can no longer hold or caress

Caress me with his love and tenderness

Caress me with his passions in his eyes

Eyes that were windows to all that he was

Eyes I adored and will never see light up again

Again I will sleep this night here without him

Again I smile at the shelter dog in his spot

Spot he doesn’t need she happily fills

Spot where my life has become something new

New bed of my own where our marriage bed was

New life new belongings in a strange new reality

Reality

Was

 

For over twenty years, Jim was my reality. It would be a lie to say that every moment of our marriage was wonderful, or that there weren’t problems from time to time. Some were external and beyond our control – like the death of our secondborn at 12 days old.

Others were internal – arguments we never really settled between us. Maybe we would have, if there had been more time.

Or maybe not.

I’ll never know, now. I can guess, from the ways we’d grown in our marriage, and were still growing. From the business we were building together, and the bonding we were doing while we did that. It was his dream, not mine – and it was a dream that died with him.

Other things have changed, too, since his death. I know it’s inevitable – and yet, there’s a little stab of something like guilt when I take apart the bed we shared, and in which he died, and buy a new one he never shared with me. When I adopt a shelter dog to share that bed, because I wasn’t sleeping very well when I was sleeping alone. When I rearrange the bedroom we shared, but which now is mine alone.

In so many ways, in so many choices from the tiny to the enormous, I’m moving beyond a marriage I valued and was committed to – beyond a man I still love with all of me, and whom I talk to about the changes: “Babe, do you SEE what I’m doing here?! I’m COOKING! For ALL of us! And it TASTES good!” “So, what do you think about this new dog in our bed. I know, I told you I probably wouldn’t get another one after you died, but it’s lonely, and she snores, and she loves to snuggle.” “Hey, did you know that Charlotte Rae, who was Mrs. Garrett on The Facts of Life, was Sylvia Schnauzer on Car 54? Or that she did stand-up in the 50’s, and was really, really funny?!”

It helps, this bridge of talking to my dead husband while I remake my life and figure things out I never expected to need to before last fall. It’s not exactly what I wanted – but I know beyond doubt that Jim would want me to enjoy my life, not sit around mourning him for the rest of it.

I know that because we talked about it, when he got sick, and long before that, when it was all theoretical, and not anything to do with our real lives….

But now, he doesn’t have a real life anymore, and I do. My goal now? Finish the raising of our children, and make the most of it, as joyfully as I can manage.

Join us again tomorrow, when we explore the way Jim was Xed out of my present.

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