Grab a cuppa and a comfy seat, and let’s chat a while! It’s time for Coffee and Conversation!
When I was six, my family was driving on a highway late at night. Streaks of headlights and taillights painted the dark. For the first time, I realized that each car held people living lives as important to them as mine was to me.
I wanted to know what those lives were, and to share my own..
Today, Bee‘s prompt is “Mothers”. That’s a charged topic for me. I spent months regarding my mother as my best friend. I forgave episodes of shaming, incidents of abuse, and emotional manipulation. I did some of the same myself.
And then, I began to understand that this was a pattern. It began long before I was born, and, without a concentrated effort to change on my part, will continue on to my daughter, and perhaps even further.
My mother lives only a few hundred feet from my home, and yet, I rarely see her, and then there’s no real interaction.
There’s unfinished business between us. There was unfinished business between her and her mother, too. Her mother, my grandmother, died with that business still unfinished. My mother and I may never resolve the issues between us, and there’s a sorrow in that, a sorrow I’ve come to accept.
Accepting that this is the way that it is doesn’t mean that I’m happy about it, or that I don’t wish it could be different. I work to channel that into positive actions that don’t affect my family…because I want something else for my connection with my own daughter.
I’ve had to learn a new way to be, with her, and as a person. That’s deepened the rift with my own mother – and, at the same time, made me wish that I could somehow go back in time, so that I could mother my own mother, in a way that she never was…
This as-yet unfinished business between us led to this as-yet unfinished poem. It’s unfinished because I don’t know where or what the end of it is…
If I Could be Your Mother Now
If I could be your mother now
I would never have given you, so new, away
Left you as though you were nothing but
The shame and burden of your conception and birth
And not a person at all.
I would have held you and helped you
As you learned to nurse.
Feeling your strong urge for life in the power
Of your greedy newborn suckling
As you took life still from my body to yours
I would meet your fresh gaze
And fall fiercely in love with you
Is there someone in your life you have unfinished business with? A broken relationship you don’t know how to heal? A healthy one you’re thankful for…? I’d love to hear about it, and I’ve got virtual refreshments!
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