Posted in Blogfest Entries, Life Writing, Love Is In Da Blog, My Poetry, Parenting

C and C and #LoIsInDaBl Day 16: If I Could Be…

Grab a cuppa and a comfy seat, and let’s chat a while! It’s time for Coffee and Conversation!

When I was six, my family was driving on a highway late at night. Streaks of headlights and taillights painted the dark. For the first time, I realized that each car held people living lives as important to them as mine was to me.

I wanted to know what those lives were, and to share my own..

Put a Little Love in Yours!
Put a Little Love in Yours!

Today, Bee‘s prompt is “Mothers. That’s a charged topic for me. I spent months regarding my mother as my best friend. I forgave episodes of shaming, incidents of abuse, and emotional manipulation. I did some of the same myself.

And then, I began to understand that this was a pattern. It began long before I was born, and, without a concentrated effort to change on my part, will continue on to my daughter, and perhaps even further.

My mother lives only a few hundred feet from my home, and yet, I rarely see her, and then there’s no real interaction.

There’s unfinished business between us. There was unfinished business between her and her mother, too. Her mother, my grandmother, died with that business still unfinished. My mother and I may never resolve the issues between us, and there’s a sorrow in that, a sorrow I’ve come to accept.

Accepting that this is the way that it is doesn’t mean that I’m happy about it, or that I don’t wish it could be different. I work to channel that into positive actions that don’t affect my family…because I want something else for my connection with my own daughter.

I’ve had to learn a new way to be, with her, and as a person. That’s deepened the rift with my own mother – and, at the same time, made me wish that I could somehow go back in time, so that I could mother my own mother, in a way that she never was…

This as-yet unfinished business between us led to this as-yet unfinished poem. It’s unfinished because I don’t know where or what the end of it is…

If I Could be Your Mother Now

If I could be your mother now

I would never have given you, so new, away

Left you as though you were nothing but

The shame and burden of your conception and birth

And not a person at all.

I would have held you and helped you

As you learned to nurse.

Feeling your strong urge for life in the power

Of your greedy newborn suckling

As you took life still from my body to yours

I would meet your fresh gaze

And fall fiercely in love with you

For eternity.

Is there someone in your life you have unfinished business with? A broken relationship you don’t know how to heal? A healthy one you’re thankful for…? I’d love to hear about it, and I’ve got virtual refreshments!

Looking for more Love Is In Da Blog? Find it right here!

Author:

I am myself. I own my life, and live with three other people who own theirs. My intention is to do only those things that bring me joy, and to give myself wholly to those things I do. Writing has been my passion throughout my life, and this will become the home for my writing life...because it brings me great joy!

10 thoughts on “C and C and #LoIsInDaBl Day 16: If I Could Be…

  1. I have a pretty good relationship with my mother now, which I’m thankful for. I’m very sorry that you have this unfinished stuff between you; though you have accepted it for what it is, I do hope that you will both be able to resolve it at some point. I’m so glad you have worked to form a better relationship for you and your own daughter <3.

    1. I hope we can, too….but I believe that, in order to do that, my mother would first need to deal with the unfinished business she has with her own deceased mother – and I don’t think she wants to discover how to do that.

      I have accepted things as they are, and yet I continue to hold the hope that it may sometimes be different.

      And, yes, I am blessed in a close and trusting relationship with Annalise. I will do everything in my power to see that this remains the case. ❤

  2. I have a pretty good relationship with my mother. She’s always been supportive, no matter what. My relationship with my dad, though, is rather strained. And, of the two of us, I’m the only one who seems to notice. My parents divorced when I was 7, and a lot of times, it feels like he emotionally abandoned us after that. Even on our weekends with him, it didn’t always feel like he was there. And he cancelled enough of those, usually at the last minute. He’d rather spend money on us than time. My mom remarried about a year later, and even though my stepdad and I haven’t always gotten along, he was always there. Which is why he was the one to walk me down the aisle when I got married.

    1. My husband’s parents also divorce when he was small, and he and his sisters have similar feelings about their dad. He didn’t cancel on them, but he was a weekend father, and that makes a difference.

      With my mom, sadly, it came down to a choice. I could be my mother’s child, or I could be my children’s mother, but I couldn’t effectively be both, not at the same time.

      I don’t regret choosing my own children, and, in parenting them so differently than the way I was parented, I feel and see a vastly different vibe in our home. It’s peaceful and fun here, and no one’s looking over their shoulders, afraid to say the wrong word or do the wrong thing.

      My kids have a confidence I’m only now learning, at 45.

      I think that we’ve managed to break a cycle of abuse that’s gone on in my family, unacknowledged, for generations.

      That’s worth estrangement, to think that, if either of my children have kids of their own, they’ll start from a far healthier place. And, if they don’t, they’re still going to be happier, more peaceful people in the world – and the world can use a lot more of those!

  3. I come from a long line of close mothers and daughters.
    I have a severed relationship, with extended family. I miss half of the couple, but not enough to endure the other half, if you catch my drift. I’ve moved on, forgiven and let go, one of the best things that ever happened to me. I can’t imagine how much this person would have negatively impacted my life, and that of my family, if I’d kept trying to “keep peace” and “not make waves” and “bitten my tongue”…Oy. No thanks, lol!

    1. I catch your drift, exactly! I was not remotely as pleasant a person to be around when I was obsessing over those relationships…

      And more. The time and energy I spent trying to keep the peace was time taken away from my life. I’m convinced I wouldn’t be nearly as available as a mom and wife, or able to write nearly as much, or enjoy my life, if those relationships had continued to dominate my life.

      I love, but I maintain boundaries I need to be able to be fully present right here, in my own life, with my children, my Accomplice, and myself…

      Sometimes, I think that’s the best any of us can do.

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